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How to Make an Impression

The assistant cruise director gave me the grand tour and dropped me at my cabin. I flipped through my folder full of welcome papers - induction schedules, safety protocols, crew mess hours. I hope I can find my way back to... where was it again?

"You'll be fine. See you at 14:30 for Induction 1."

The door clicked shut. I wanted to call home. Tell everyone I'd made it. The phone on the wall looked simple enough.

Here's what I understood about ship communication systems: nothing.

Here's what I understood about maritime hierarchy and protocol: less than nothing.

Let me paint you a picture of embarkation day on a cruise ship. Two thousand passengers are boarding. Luggage is being sorted and delivered to 800+ cabins. The kitchen is prepping for the first seating. Safety officers are running equipment checks. The entertainment staff is rehearsing the welcome show.

And on the bridge - the nerve center of the entire operation - the Captain is coordinating with harbor pilots, monitoring weather reports, clearing departure procedures, and managing a crew of over 600 people.

This is where I come in.

So when the phone wouldn't connect, I did what any reasonable person would do. I started mashing zeros like I was trying to win a prize.

Nothing.

Zero zero zero.

Still nothing.

Zero zero zero zero zero-

"Bridge. Captain speaking."

I froze.

"...Hello?"

I hung up.

Rule #1: Do not call the bridge. Ever. Unless someone is actively dying - and even then, there's a chain of command for that.

I had been aboard for approximately forty-five minutes. But for one beautiful, horrifying moment, I was the guy who made the Captain answer the phone to help the new musician call his mom.